I have been wanting to write this post since I found out I was pregnant, but it has been hard for me to sit down and get my thoughts together. Re-living this journey is hard, but the outcome is so sweet. I just changed my picture above to one of AG wearing her "big sister" t-shirt (which she still has and can't wait to wear once this new miracle arrives in August). The date on the picture isn't wrong, it was taken in 10/2007 when I found out I was pregnant and shared the news with AG and then miscarried the week after. Such joy and such heartbreak and still the emotions can be so raw. It is so hard to understand why things on this Earth happen and why God allows us to go thru such pain and heartbreak. It is hard to suffer and wonder why we are suffering...what is the reason and purpose for this misery?? Why me, God, why?? Are you punishing me?? What is going on? Why is everyone around me pregnant?? Why was it so easy to get pregnant with Anna Grace?? What is wrong with me?? What should i do?? How many more years must I suffer?? So many unanswered questions...and yet one answer that is so real. God is faithful and His word is so true.
I read this verse in November one day and it spoke to me so loud and clear
James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
And I felt as if God was speaking to me directly telling me, "Kayne, you aren't going thru this because I enjoy watching you suffer. You are going thru this because I am at work in your life. Look thru the bible and see all of the people I used - Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Rebekah, Hannah, Elizabeth, Paul, David...which one of these people was without suffering?? It is in your suffering that I am at work...shaping you, molding you, and bringing you closer to me and who I want you to be." It was then for the first time that I did find joy in my suffering. For the first time I felt as if I was set apart and God was working in me. My suffering wasn't for misery, but to bring God glory. God was at work in me!! Wow!! How awesome and amazing!!!
I also read this story: The Silversmith
"And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).
One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.
She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"
"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."
The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
God sees it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.
Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "How do you know when the process is complete?"
"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."
This story also spoke to me. Again, we don't go thru trials alone. God is with us the entire time. He is sitting with us, holding us, watching us. We don't stay in the furnace too long and we don't come out too soon. The timing is perfect. And when is the process complete?? When the silversmith sees his image in the silver....or in my case...when God sees his image in me....wow!! This just brings me to tears.
Thomas and I started praying really hard about what we should do. We had visited the road of adoption in the summer of 2008, but didn't get far and didn't feel good about it, so we stopped. We weren't sure at the time what was wrong with my body and why I couldn't get pregnant, so the adoption specialist suggested we weren't ready. We agreed and decided to pursue another doctor in hopes of finding out what was wrong with me. In the fall of 2008, I sat in my OB-GYN's office with my sister while she told me that I had a high prolactin level (normal being around 0) and mine was at 76 - which meant my body thought I was pregnant or breast feeding, so it had stopped ovulating. She wanted me to have an MRI done to see if I had a tumor on my pituitary gland that would be causing this high prolactin level. I had the MRI done and it was confirmed that I did have a small 4mm (size of a pin tip) tumor on my pituitary that caused my prolactin to rise. It wasn't cancerous and wasn't harming anything, but it was a hindrance to my getting pregnant. So, after 3 years of infertility we were relieved to finally find the problem. The solution? It was simple. Go on medicine to bring my prolactin level down to 20 or below, my body would ovulate and I would be pregnant. Thomas and I were ecstatic to hear this news. We knew God was in control and as I walked into the doctor's office I had prayed hard - "God, this journey has been long and hard. Please reveal to the doctor's today what is wrong with my body. I know you know. Please reveal it to them." My prayer was simple and short, and it had been answered!!!
So, I immediately started taking Bromocriptine for my prolactin level and went back to the doctor's office monthly for bloodwork to see if the level had decreased. It went from 76 to 55 to 30...woo hoo!!! It's working....to....55. What?!? Are you sure that is right??? Why is it going back up?? My doctor didn't know, so she referred me to an endicrinologist in town. He wasn't concerned and said this can happen. So, he increased my dosage of medicine and we continued down the road. My prolactin level just stayed around 45. I went back for my annual OB-GYN visit in October 2009 and my doctor told me again I was a tough case and they didn't know why my prolactin hadn't decreased. In addition to that, I also have a tumor (not cancerous) on my right ovary that she wanted to do an ultrasound on. We did and she confirmed thru my fluid levels that I was not ovulating and hadn't in quite some time. I met with my endicrinologist who decided to change my medicine to Dostinex to see if my prolactin level would decrease. He repeated the words of my OB-GYN and said "You are a tough case. We don't understand why the level hasn't decreased." I left the appointment discouraged, but remembering God was in control.
I went home to clean my house, and my friend sent me an email. She asked if I knew anyone interested in adoption. I felt again that God was speaking to me loud and clear. I wrote back and told her I may be. I called Thomas (who was out of town) and told him about the email. He called me and said he had been praying that morning and felt we should adopt. Then I called another friend who said she had been praying for me and she felt we should adopt. Wow!! Thomas and I knew of three people in Florence who had all had successful adoptions, so we decided we would contact them and find out the process they went through. We met with the first couple and they shared with us the entire process they went through and told us they used an adoption attorney in Columbia. They gave us his name. We contacted the second couple and they shared the same adoption attorney's name. We contacted the third couple and they shared the same adoption attorney's name. So?!? We decided God was leading us in this direction. We contacted the attorney and he sent us the preliminary paperwork. We were quick to fill it out and send it back. We waited and hadn't heard back yet, but we figured it was the holidays (between Thanksgiving and Christmas), so we would wait until after the holidays to contact them.
I had my prolactin level checked with the new med on Friday, December 4, 2009. They called me on Wednesday, December 10th to let me know that my prolactin level was still high it was 45.28. I was so discouraged again, but felt God's prompting and leading us to adoption was confirmed once again. We met with my endicrinologist who again confirmed we couldn't get pregnant right now.
In the meantime, my mother wanted Thomas and I to visit a fertility specialist in Greenville for a second opinion. I called my OB-GYN and she faxed over 4 years of infertility records to the specialist. My mom joined Thomas and I on our doctor appt. The day was Monday, December 21st, 2009. We all hopped in the car and headed to the doctor. He met with us and was a wonderful doctor. He was concerned my level was still high after a year on the med and wanted to be more aggressive, increase the dosage to bring my level down. He was also concerned about the tumor on my right ovary, so he wanted to do surgery to remove it. While he was in surgery, he wanted to check and see if I had endometriosis. He wrote me a prescription to increase my med, etc. He also wanted to do a quick ultrasound (like my OB-GYN had done two months before) to check on the tumor on my ovary and see if it had grown. We went into the ultrasound and he confirmed the tumor had grown some, then he asked when my last period was. Well, my cycles have been so irregular with all of this infertility that I had no clue...but started to think back....hmmmm...maybe October??? Hmmmm....said the doctor. "Well, you definitely ovulated this month." Thomas and I just looked at each other...I did??? My prolactin level was 45.28 on Dec. 4th. How in the world did I ovulate when my level wasn't below 20??? The doctor continued, "And we think you may be pregnant." "WHAT?!? Are you serious??" Thomas and I didn't know what to think....this was a miracle!!! He sent us home to take a pregnancy test (why? I don't know). I bought the test from Walgreens and went home...and just looked at it. So many of these things I had bought in 4 years and here was another dr sending me to buy one. I finally got up the courage to take it and face that negative again....and what appeared immediately?!? TWO LINES!!!! I just stood in amazement at the faithfulness and sovereignty of God...WOW...45.28 was my prolactin level...and tracing it back that was the weekend I ovulated and became pregnant....wow...God is AMAZING. Matthew 19:26 - Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Wow...that verse just rang in my head over and over again. This pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle. Thomas and I just stand amazed at the work of our father...who is above all things and before all things.
The doctor called me and asked if I was pregnant. I told him it was positive. He just said, "Wow. That is amazing. You don't need me anymore."
I had bloodwork done to make sure everything was ok (due to the previous miscarriage). My HCG was increasing and everything was great. The fertility specialist faxed his records back to my OB-GYN and she found the note on her desk that said, "Kayne is pregnant" and she told me she just laughed with joy!! God is so good!!!
We are so thrilled at the work of our Father. He is so great and greatly to be praised!! I am humbled to even write this blog post and haven't re-read it yet, so I hope it makes sense!! Our precious baby is continuing to grow and develop and has a heart that beats to praise God already!!! I have had two ultrasounds and it just amazes me to see a miracle on that screen every time. God is so good!!!
In the sweet words of Hannah -
1 Samuel 1:27 - I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
And when I think of this baby and how God performed this miracle -
Psalm 139:13-14 - For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
And how I feel -
1 Timothy 1:14 - The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 3:20-21 - Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory and praise throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Romans 11:36 - For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
Colossians 1:17 - He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Praise be to our LORD and Father who does the impossible!!! He can do anything and He does in His perfect timing!!! Trust in the Lord always!!! He is as much alive today as HE was in biblical times. We serve the same God - he is never changing!!! He loves us so much and has such amazing plans for us. We go thru the hard times so that we grow and become closer to Him....and what an amazing place this is to be in!! Our new bundle of joy will join our family on August 30th, 2010. Please continue to pray and praise God for this miracle with us!!
